Sam here....
The family better get home soon. I hate being here by myself at night, because I'm the one that has to worry about everyone!
Sam here....
Yesterday I went shopping for work clothes. The extent of my weight gain became depressingly evident. It's actually shit. I joined a gym however. I'm meeting some guy for an introduction in a few days. I've gone on a diet! I got a bin bag and threw all crisps, biscuits, pancakes, coffee, sweets and everything into it, and put it outside. No more. I have to lose 2 stone by September, I'm not going to college fat!
Since the exams ended and I came back from holidays, I've been shockingly bored. I mean I have nothing to do these days. Work will start in about a week, but I have all this time on my hands and nothing to do. I'm finding myself watching cartoons during the day. Murder, She Wrote is brilliant too, Jessica Fletcher would get it if I was a hetro and all that!
I'm writing my coming out letter soon as well. I have to set a date or else I won't do it. I've roped certain people into helping me as well. So fingers crossed for that!
Sam here...
This is going to be a semi-long one, so do whatever else you have to do before you read this.
Ok, fantastic. There's a boy I like. I met him last week, and we talked. The next day he text me and I text back. Then, nothing. I went through a wide range of emotions. I was pissed off rejected, and all the rest. But he, who I will call Robert knows he gorgeous, and he knows that I think that about him, so maybe it was that he was too good for me!
But just when I had given up. He replied. And I didn't. I played it cool like Mr. Frosty. So he's off to Lourdes now and I'm currently sitting below deck on out rented boat travelling up the River Shannon, County Leitrim. I have no Internet, these will be published by Windows Live Writer whenever I can scab some WiFi!
I finished my Leaving cert yesterday! It hasn't really hit me yet, but I feel really uneasy about the results. Em, my relationship with my parents is improving. We're talking about everything and not fighting. There's might be a good climate when I decide to come out, and it could either ruin our relationship, or make it stronger!
I'm actually getting a little bit sea sick right now. I've all these sailing, rowing and canoeing qualifications and I'm sea sick! This is ridiculous.
I text Dar this morning telling him how much he means to me as a friend, and I truly meant it. I mean, I'd be lost without him standing by to help when things get a bit rough, or I need decent advice!
Holly has stopped blogging here permanently. I'm changing the blog name, and the username. I will give her new URL when I get the Internet,(Update. Here is her new blog!) but I'm going to change a few small things on this one when I do. My URL won't change, so no need to update your links!
Em, I'll blog again, whenever I can, or if I think of anything! OK!
Current Listening; Roxanne - The Police
Sam here....
It's 34 minutes to my last exam. Dar travelled down to Cork yesterday to see Mark and discovered that Mark is arrogant, spoilt, irritating, and a horrible. It's hard to feel sympathy for him, but I have a new respect for Dar for taking time off work to travel down to see him. He came home on the first bus today, it was that bad!
I saw this boy last week. Thought he was hot. He commented me on bebo. I commented back. He didn't reply. I was like 'oh well fuck him' and had an 'I hate men' moment for about 2 days.
But guess what?
He wrote back! And put x's at the end. I'm playing to cool.
I finish my exams today as well... Ecstatic would be the word for it! :D
Sam here....
I don't think this post is properly developed, but my mind is jammed.
A bit of self analysis today, sparked by overthinking. So basically, since I've been locked away for the last 6 months, I'd take anything with a pulse. Seriously, if someone asked me what I'm looking for, I'd take anything. I know how I shouldn't lower myself, but I am.
Dar hates gay bars and I can see why. Mainly people looking for their hole(An Irish phrase for shallow,meaningless sex) at the end of the night. That's nowhere to find a boyfriend, or even relationship material.
So can somebody tell me;
WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD, DECENT MEN HIDING? FOR FUCK SAKE, IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS DIFFICULT!
Whoever can tell me will have me as a servant for a year. I want someone who cares. Who listens. How difficult can that be?
I mean I might just put myself out there and see what turns up? Everything happens for a reason, and I'm sure good karma will find its way to me. I'm a firm believer in karma, good and bad. You have to kiss a few frogs before you find the prince right? What if them frogs dilute the sense that there's good people in the world you have?
I'm not resorting to online dating because, here at least, there's such a stigma attached to it. If I met someone, and we dated, and I told them we met online, there'd be a few raised eyebrows, without a doubt.
I think I'm stressed and frustrated because of these exams. Sorry if I seem insane today.
I've got some Ideas for my coming out letter, but I need more. Comments will be appreciated.
Current Listening; Wig In A Box - Hedwig And The Angry Itch
Dar started a conversation with this guy we'll call Mark on MSN, and added me, We had a 3 way conversation. Mark was 20, from a different part of Ireland, nice, cute, intelligent and funny. He added me and we chatted about everything for about 3 hours. I got a call from an unknown number. It was Dar. Mark had taken a shitload of pills, slit his wrists and wasn't answering the phone, or writing back. Dar called an ambulance to his house, and I rang him back then. He told me that after he rang the ambulance, he rang Mark, and a doctor answered. That was ok, but I couldn't sleep. Mark is a happy guy, seemingly normal. What drove him to that? He seemed so happy. I can understand that completely at the same time though. When I was battling with some inner demons, and times were worse, the thought crossed my mind. Things for me anyway, are ok now.
The next day and Mark came online. He started the conversation. He was his usual happy self. I was asked not to mention it to him, and the conversation was as if nothing had happened, just normal conversation. I was a bit confused.
Now, here's my thought; Is Mark hiding depression or is Dar lying to me? I know it seems cynical but I don't know. I suppose I'm a pessimist. I always look for the downside. I know the whole 'glass half full' thing, but the world isn't like that. The world is full of liars and cheaters, and nice people, unless they stick together will get torn down and left with nothing.
It's kind of shaken me. I can't understand why. But if Dar is lying to me, I'll never speak to him again. I know that much.
Any thoughts?
Current Listening; Hedwig & The Angry Inch - Sugar Daddy
Chad Darnell's 12 of 12 project is ace! Check it out!
Current Listening; Like Eating Glass - Bloc Party
Sam here....
Current Listening; Milk & Money - The Fratellis
Sam here....
Last night was Thursday night, €3 a drink in Fibbers. I drank too much. There's was a friend of a friend there batting for my team, if you know what I mean, so I was drinking to keep up with him, got his IM address anyway. Also, I was seeing Dar last night and I don't know, My drinking was kind of out of control last night.
I was out the back in the smoking area with Dar and a few of his friends. I told him I felt sick, and he got me a pint of water. We walked around where we sat on a bench. He kissed me, about a minute later I threw up loads. The fucker videoed it! It'll be on youtube. If I'm feeling generous, I'll embed it. Like I don't do biology but my stomach must be huge. Last night I had
I was stunned. So after I threw up we walked around for a while. I threw up again, we sat down and talked, then he got me a taxi home. I woke up with €15, after going out last night with €60. Don't ask how. I also have a huge headache, and no desire to ever drink again or tell people about last night.
I actually learnt my lesson about not drink to keep up or impress people. I'm going to have to be particularly careful because alcoholism runs in my family. Lesson Learnt. Ok, I'm leaving that there.
Yesterday I voted in the Lisbon Treaty as well, and got all my hairs cut! a 4 all over!
Current Listening; Wig In A Box - Hedwig & The Angry Inch Soundtrack
Sam here....
I lost my phone. I feel like someone just cut my arm off.
I want Dar. I'd love to be with him. It's sad, but I've been thinking about him at least once a day for about the last week or two. It's funny, because when I 'jokingly' mention, if they ever break up, give me a text, in the hope that he...I actually don't know. Ugh, this is shit. Because he knows me, like I don't have to hold the weird back when I'm talking to him, and he gets me.
I need to sleep on it. It's 12 of 12 today, and I'm working on it as we speak.
Today I get to vote! Me! Vote! I can't believe I get to vote in the Lisbon Treaty! I feel sort of grown up!
I also have a feeling that Holly is never blogging here again?
Current Listening; Watch That Man - David Bowie
I was contemplating earlier. I've written some superficial posts that don't really reflect what's going on inside my head. So here I am. Feel free to judge.
I have 3 friends for about 3 years. There's acquaintances and other people I'm friendly, but I had what I assumed to be very close friends. One by One they disappointed me.
John; I trusted him, and he practically outed me to the entire year. Also, told people thing about me that just weren't true. I hate him, but he thinks we're good friends. I know it's bitchy but so is he. I don't care if I stoop to his level
Eric; This is a funny one. I was with this girl *insert laughter here*. Basically things got really serious really too fast so we broke up quite soon after. Someone actually used the phrase 'humped' n 'dumped' to describe our relationship. Now Eric has a huge thing for her so obviously he hated me.
About a month ago he actually did the exact same thing as me, yet still hates my guts. Basically they had sex, then about a week later, he kissed some girl in front of her and she went mental, but he didn't give a Shit. I've actually made an effort. I text him occasionally, just being polite, but I get nothing back. So I have no choice but to give up.
Adam; Adam is the least damaged relationship, it's mainly my fault. Adam is the laziest fucker I've ever met. And he doesn't ever accept that anything is his fault. He always has someone else to blame, or some absolute bullshit excuse as to why he did or didn't do something. I find myself very angry at him from time to time.
I'll see them less and less. But the 3 of them are cemented to each other, and It feels like I'm being isolated. They'd spend days together, and I'd hear it from other people that they went somewhere or were doing something together. It feels a bit Shit actually.
Current Listening; Clocks - Coldplay
The Lisbon treaty is roaring. Everyone has the words on their lips. Yes or No is the start of conversations. I'm proudly voting no because I don't want to lose our attractive 12.5% corporation tax, and Lisbon threatens our neutrality. Anyway, the politicians are all pushing a yes. Out government leader admitted that he hasn't read the handbook, and there's huge confusion. Apparently we're the only EU country to hold a vote on it.
'Find the right pub, and any night's an occasion'.
There's this campaign launched by DIAGEO, a collection of alcohol organisations, advising us to drink sensibly. It could be that I don't get it, but is 'any night's an occasion' encouraging us to go to the pub every night?
The exams are going alright. Some of them are not going as well as I hoped, others are going better than I could have imagined. I have History, Physics and Engineering left! I'm dying for this to be over and to start working!
Current Listening; Any Way You Want It - Journey
Sam here....
I've decided that on the 29th of June I'm going to write my parents a letter telling them that I'm gay! Scared, but there's no going back.
In lighter news, I made an interesting observation. I've got a laptop. If I Google the word 'nipple', I get 29,300,000 results. If I Google the word 'Bukkake', I get 15,300,000 results. It's funny that they won't allow televisions in bedrooms. Just an observation...
I'm really looking forward to seeing Dar on Thursday as well!
Sam here....
It's Saturday morning as I type this. Last night just as I was going to bed, the 'parent' told me to sit down. I thought someone was sick or something had happened my dad(he's away on a road trip with my brother).
My cousin is gay. He just came out, and that's what she has to tell me. I felt myself go crimson, but at the same time I was kind of defensive. I said 'Yeah, that's no big deal'. She knows I'm bi at least, she has to know that I'm gay. She said my Aunt and Uncle were devastated, and he's told the whole village and is dressing provocatively. I think it means he's a bit camp. 'Parent' made it sound like the world had ended and that annoyed me, but also made me think about how I'm going to tell them that I exclusively like dick. This is going to be a tough one. Write them a letter maybe?
Anyway I rang Dar afterwards and he basically told me why they were being weird about it. If my cousin came out and then turned into a mascara monster, then their worried that when I came out the them that I'll be like that. I suppose they are the last to know. all my friends know, my year knows, it's not like I'm hiding it from them like a secret shame. I mean I don't want to tell them because they'll get stressed about it and maybe a little bit angry. I feel like of trapped to tell you the truth.
Dar was actually amazing last night. He just gave me loads of good advice and calmed me down. He's a good friend.
Sam here....
quickly, Maths paper 1 went terribly, and geography went amazingly!
I was cycling home and I noticed this little ditty;
How classy is that? A Permanent marker delight, I must say. That soon to be postbox has been there for the guts of a week.
The funny thing is, that if you ask the little boy that drew that to draw a vagina, he probably couldn't.
I owe Derek Mahon a pint. I was banking on
to come up in my English exam. Derek Mahon was the only one to come up! I'm really glad, and now, I've no more English to study. That's one subject of 7 gone!
Butterflies & Hurricanes asked me why I picked the subjects I had. So English Irish and Maths are compulsory. There's History Geography, Art, Home Economics, Engineering, Construction, Biology, Physics, Chemistry, Classical Studies and Technical Drawing.
You can do a maximum of 7 subjects, I've picked
Big Brother 9 UK started tonight. Every single year I make a pl;edge to myself that I won't watch it because it's crap. But I started watching, and picking out the ones I'd do. Lots of eye candy this year, ratings must have been down last year. Anyway, prepare for a summer of madness as each of these dirty wet things get drunk and take their clothes off :)
Current Listening; Friday Night - The Darkness
Sam here....
I just heard that new legislation was passed about our drinking laws. Basically now all Off Licences(Off-Sales, Liquor Stores) must close at 10PM, bars will stop serving drink earlier now as well. So this actually won't stop us, it'll start us drinking earlier. Coming home from work, pick up a case of beer, a bottle of vodka, whatever. This will make no impact.
They've also tackled cheap drink offers. 5 cans for 4 euro will be missed, as will 24 MGD for E20 ($30). Their not allowed advertise in shop windows any more. They have to keep offers under wraps and not make people drink because it's cheap. It's bullshit!
I've got one eighth of my exams over with. Basically this time tomorrow, it will be a quarter. English paper was a piece of piss. No bother. Tomorrow, pape.....I'll just scan in my timetable for ye actually. Hold on....
Current Listening; Best Of Me - Starting Line
