Future Reflections

'I don't know', I said with a pang of frustration in my voice. My College application form lying open. It was about this time last year, and I had no idea what I wanted to do. What I was going to turn myself into. What box I was going to fall into after college.

'What about engineering?' Money is great, always guaranteed a job. What about personal happiness?

So down it went. The course codes went in the boxes, in order of preference.

I knew I didn't want this. I don't want to be a gruff, greasy, man, who spends their time fixing things. I want to have fun. I want to be fun. I want a fun life.

So I didn't say, 'No, what about event management? What about Sociology?' I want to be social, not maintenance.

But in the back of my mind, was the reason I didn't say anything, because gays can't be engineers? it's a game of hard men and hard headed women.

But what could I say? I felt like my future was a runaway train.

 

And now. I've been in college for seven weeks. Tomorrow will be the eighth week. I don't want to do this. I know how to do this, but I don't want it. But what can I do? When things go quiet, and the day is over, I'm left with my personal thoughts. That I made a bad choice.

I always seem to distract myself. I couldn't bear bringing it up in front of my parents.

I don't want to not go to college, and wind up without an education. That way of life was always painted in grayscale for me.

My parents need me to succeed. Only one of my parents went to college, but not in this country. It wasn't a given for their generation. But it is for mine. So they see how precious it is. And they push. and push. and push.

Sooner or later something has to give.

My brother, J, messed up his chance.

He went to college, biopharmaceuticals. And then he started drinking 5 days and nights a week. And dropped out. And now works in an off licence (a liquor store to you. It's called an off licence, because the alcohol is consumed off the licensed premises). I digress.

So they are worried. They are scrambling for patterns. "What did J do, that Sam is doing now? Sam hasn't studied this week? He's become J. Quick!"

It' suffocating. Truly suffocating. It's been niggling away for a while, but I have no idea how to say anything. Like how do you tell your parents that you don't want a respectable, well paying career. Even trying that last sentence, it seems ridiculous.

But it's like wearing ill-fitting clothes. It feels wrong, and it's not right. I fit in, I have friends. I understand 80% of what's going on. I just have no desire to do it.

But what do I desire to do? I have no clue. I have no direction.

I couldn't think of the words to type this. Now that I have, it seems like a mammoth task to do the necessary action.

Have I wasted an education? In Ireland the government pays for college the first time you apply. This is my 'free ride'. If I drop out, I have to pay significantly next time.