Crackers here!
Not a lot really going on here, although I have been pretty sick lately, some form of chest infection business going on. Its been pretty rough going, I mean I can't sleep, or... well... breath. And apparently you need that sort of carry on to survive. On a bright note, however, I got a clean bill of health from the gynaecologist so I am pretty freakin happy about that! I have been off my head on paracetamol for the past few days to numb the pain... oh on that note... *pops neurofen*.... where was I... Oh yes... Hannah very generously gave me a very big bag full of very pretty clothes from her very insane relative who goes shopping and never wears what she buys, and just happens to be the same size as me... OH HAPPY DAYS! Anyway, I was on the phone to Sam and vaguely remember saying "Sam you would want to see this. My tits look amazing in this top. Like seriously. AMAZING. I would KILL to have cleavage like mine!" In fairness, yes, my tits looked fucking savage in the top but that's not the point, I was clearly feeling a bit looped. I am a month of smokes on Sunday, I can't help but think how much worse this cold would be if I was still on 7 a day, and I can't help but smile. Work let me off yesterday because of my raging illness but that means I have to work today... I could pull the "working on Good Friday" card but... no one will believe me ha ha.... The only problem is I now have to go to a party after work... good god I will be dead!!!
All is going good with Paul... I see him rarely, which is a good thing when you consider the fact that full on relationships don't really do it for me. I have a theory with relationships, at least when I am involved... There is always a person with more control, the one who has less feelings, likes more people outside the relationship, the one who is basically going to end it. I guess I have just had a lot of one sided relationships, where either I really like the guy or the guy really likes me... never both. The difference with the two is I am never really happy when I don't like the guy, when they are all over you, constantly texting you and wanting to be with you... it just feels like there is no mystery in the relationship. And the "L" word? (not lesbian, love). Don't even get me started. Even if you don't feel it, when they say it, you feel so compelled to say it. I have never been in love. Ill repeat that... NEVER. Fair enough I have moments when I will love the person, and I will say it to make them feel better, but I have never actually been head over heels, never look at another person, want to spend the rest of your life together love. I personally don't think it exists. Cynical to the end, yes. On the other hand we have the relationship where I like the person more than they like me. I spend the whole relationship on my tiptoes, making sure I look OK when they see me, make sure I don't bother them too much, don't ever let them know if they hurt me... believe me they will... and basically do my best not to push them away. For some strange reason I prefer that.
Any ideas why?
xxx
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